Entering The World OF Blogs

Today I am entering the world of blogs. It is something I have just learnt about, and it is part of the ever expanding world which we are now part of. I plan to use it to relate some of my own experiences, and philosophize on them, and life in general. The last few years have provided many changes in my life, and aligned me with others who find themselves in similar situations. Lots of these stories are not told for various reasons, and I would like to give them a forum as well as explore some of my own unique experiences.

5 years ago this was a busy household with kids at school, and uni, and one coming and going from interstate, with 2 parents working (I work part time), and every one pursuing lots of their own hobbies, and lots of involvement in community activity. Now I can choose for myself what I wish to do, as this is not the way it is now. It is strange to only hear my choice of music. I have moved the sound system into the family room, so I play music instead of having the TV on as would have happened when others were here.

My mother who had lived in a nursing home for years died a few months ago, and that is another worry gone Although there are still things to tidy up in her estate, it is end limiting

While all these things have elements of sadness, if I am to survive and flourish, I must make a life that is rich and rewarding for me. I need to have people in my life who love and care for me, and maybe learn to value my needs as important, as opposed to putting everybody else first as mothers, wives and daughters can do. I will need to find ways to live to the full use of my potential (what ever that is?), and I need to be creative especially for relaxation, and find what other things really nourish me. For 28 years it was 'us' . Now I have to find what was Me in that, and what I want to resurrect from before that, that may have got lost, or I just didn't have time for. Music is one of those things.

So I continue with my job as a pastoral carer which has had many hard times in the last few years, but it is what I do, and in many ways I am better at it now. However, I am open to change in this area, but I do not see change as essential, as I once did, as I learn to have confidence in my own ability to cope. Perhaps this is one of the greatest challenges - to regain confidence and believe that one really can survive by yourself. When John first died, I really didn't care about lots of things at times and it all seemed too hard, which is normal grief, but difficult to live through. It was made more difficult as others needed me to support them as well, and one just has to manage or ??? Not all widows get to this stage and I don't blame them for that, because it is hard going, and not all can, or wish to make that transition.

I was lucky I had wonderful kids, and friends who popped up at the right moments, and were there for me.

I went away shortly after John died, and I grieved him in private in Italy and England and I was supported by someone who realized I needed to be allowed to grieve and heal. He was a welfare officer at my daughter's college in Oxford. Friends I stayed with in Canada and New Zealand helped as well. On that trip I realized I could manage all sorts of things on my own, and really, I was answerable only to myself. This was an important step. As a sign of that new found independence I purchased 2 really unusual jackets at the airport in Chicago which were more expensive than I was used to paying and quite"loud" ( my sons were not keen on them, which I knew would be their reaction), but I bought them anyway, and have worn them lots because I like them, and they are a sign of the new me -Just Joan